to be close with Him!!!

it all about me n the creator...
it complected....
it hard to say in a word
cause im afraid it might turn wrong...
but this about my feelings...
....terasa jauh dengan-NYa...event i pray...i perform solah...
but...deep inside i couldn't feel it....
i still remember a phrase that said "Allah itu lebih dekat dari urat nadi di leher kita"
but..i not event blame anyone...just because i cant feel it..
i blaming my self..because im not become the true muslim...
i lie to my self...i disobey my Allah...
im putting my self into the flames
i know all the sin that i made
but..im still not repent
i keep do it again n again..
i swear that i'll not do it again....
but then...
it keep rolling....
event i pray...i did what ever people told me to do it in holding my self
from falling into the dark...
i know...im not strong enough....
there are too many things that seducing me...to be a part of flames
true is..
every single lie n mistake that i made
i know n realize...
that what i did is wrong...
but why n why...i cant be tough n strong...
this is the quest that i always use to ask my self
n...i already have an answer for it
but..same as usual
i keep digging
search for something....
something that i dont event know...
but only One thing
is looking for blessing. peace n harmony
to have a pure heart n mind
to be close with Him...